The Boy Blues
An Open Letter to My Sons
I am sitting on top of our stoop watching my three year old son play with his new friends and neighbors of ours. My other son has been laid down for a nap. He was fussy and confused about whatever a 4 month old is confused about. This gave me time to think and write a letter to the both of you.
I have been asked if I wished I had a daughter? People have asked me if I regret having children. I have even been asked if I would do anything differently now that so many changes have occurred in our life and we know so many things in retrospect.
The truth is, I haven't always been proud of who I have been. I haven't always been happy with life in general. Now, I think of when I hear the scurrying of little feet in the hall way as you sneak into our bedroom at night. This, of course, happens after you think I can't hear you; hours after I have taken your brother into the warmth of my arms, placed him on my bosom, and I have almost fallen to sleep while rocking him to bed. You climb into our bed with us and kiss your brother's forehead, then kiss me on my eye lids and forehead like I have done to you every single night since you were born. You finally find the nook in your fathers arms just right as you fall fast asleep.
I think about how my sons may have been the reason I was born. Sure, I could live in the past and replay every single detail of my life that has ever happened when hardships arise. However, without those moments, I wouldn't have ended up with the boy blues. The sky shines out of your eyes and I have no idea what I have ever done right or wrong to deserve you but I am so thankful. Changing any moment in my life could alter you and a lesson I learned to teach you. I don't want that to happen.
No, I don't wish for anything other than you. You are absolutely enough and you have changed my life for the better forever. Even the most minuet details of my being were altered when I first laid eyes on you. I see all the things right and wrong with your father and I within you. We discuss how we can be better people for you two daily.
Unfortunately, I am human and I am not without foul. You will never read or understand this until you are old enough but I am sorry for anything that I didn't get right. I am sorry my sons for being hard on you, but the world I live in right now terrifies me and will not allow me to leave room to take it easy on you. You are everything that is right about us. And every correction or over correction I take is to preserve that part of us that I see. If you find that we work a lot it's because we want better for you. I want you two to chase your dreams and not be afraid of them like your mother is. I want you two to be wise in your judgements of people. Therefore, I understand if you are always angry with me when I see something about your peers that you don't and I keep them away from you as much as I can. Most of all, I believe in you. You have made me better so I am confident that you will be better people than myself.
I can't live in the past when my present is full of all the riches I need. If the only thing I get correct in life is raising two fine men...then that is all that I will ever need. It is because of you that I am the Bearer of Men. I have boys and I love them beyond reason.
Sincerely,
Mom, Bearer of Men
The Woman You've Helped Mold
