Write he says...
"Are you utilizing this down time wisely? Are you writing?" asked my older and eldest brother. The words seem to make me stumble. I was a great liar once but good old fashioned discipline from my village ruined my craft. I never usually have the energy to lie (once you tell one, you have to remember it and keep it up; I'm far too lazy for that). My oldest brother is so competent. Nothing ever detours him. He can learn and complete anything. God only knows how much I admire him. I couldn't find the truth in my heart to tell him of my failure. So I stumbled over my words as I lied to him.
"Yea. Yep. That's the great part of all of this. I am on chapter 3 of my novel." I insisted. The slippery lie just took on a life of its own. I was still editing chapter 2. I have two children and a husband who are the loves of my life. My children are so young and need me so much that I hadn't written a damn thing. Not to mention I was depressed.
"Have you added anything to the stuff I asked you to write?" asked my uncle. He is the youngest of my mother's five brothers. He was giving me the opportunity of a life time. This man is a proven success story. Dedication, pragmatism, and wit yielded this stone wall everything he has ever needed and more. I was about done with half of it and had started a new career. I couldn't get it done. Embarrassed that of course I did not complete my task, I lied again.
"Uh yep. But it isn't ready. You really won't understand what I am going for with it until it's done. So just wait." I pleaded.
" Okay, no rush. Take your time," he calmed me. My heart was in despair because he believes in me. I can't imagine why but he does. Just like my oldest brother.
"Did you write anything today?" asked my husband.
"Listen I can't just write on command," I snapped rudely.
"Write Ericka. Write something. You have so much to say. You're one of the smartest people I know. Get it out on paper. Stop giving yourself excuses not to be great." They were my husband's final words to me on the topic and then he moved on to something sports related that he was reading in his phone. He really irritates me; that man gets on my last damn nerve. Thinking he knows me because he loves me, because I have exposed myself to him. Now he just thinks he can tell me about me. He doesn't know a thing. I wanted to pick a fight. I was silent because I was lying to myself. He did know me.
It is only now at 1:49 a.m. that the lord has placed it on my heart to realize that I am my biggest problem. I am why I can't get anything done. The worry keeps me up at night. The doubt is loud and ringing in my ears as I type even now. Who are you? What do you think you have to say? You aren't good enough. I have feared the unknown for one reason, negative attention. If I have your attention, do NOT give up. I won't either. I am finishing the task my uncle charged me with first. Then I will finish my novels. Together we will not fear the unknown because if God places it on your heart to write, sing, dance, whatever it may be. Just do it. Do it for the love of it. Most of all, do it because the Lord put that talent in your heart and hands to use. Rest assured the rest will follow. I will not be a quitter and neither should you. After all, you never know who is watching or who you can inspire. My bear cubs are watching me and they deserve a mother that finishes strong. No matter how long it takes.